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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Me and two guys in the pub were struggling to settle an argument about who was the best lover when one guy suggested he had a sound measuring
device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex.
We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint.
"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."
"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and thedevice measured 98 decibels. Now,what do you say about that?",
"Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels.". "128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"
"Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was screwing her sister."
device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex.
We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint.
"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."
"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and thedevice measured 98 decibels. Now,what do you say about that?",
"Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels.". "128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"
"Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was screwing her sister."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.
Young Arab asks his father:
- What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
- It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?
- It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !
- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?
- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !
- Tell me, papa...
- Yes, my son ?
- ... Why are we living in Bolton and still wearing all this shit ?
- What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
- It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?
- It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !
- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?
- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !
- Tell me, papa...
- Yes, my son ?
- ... Why are we living in Bolton and still wearing all this shit ?
A doctor calls a plumber at 2am in the morning and asks for an emergency call out.
'Whats the problem? a very groggy plumber asks.
'My toilet is blocked' replies the doctor.
'You expect me to come out at 2 in the morning for a blocked toilet!'
'Listen my dear fellow, if you phoned me in the early hours you'd expect me to come'.
'Ok,Ok, give me twenty minutes and I'll be with you.
The plumber duly arrives at the doctors and is led upstairs and shown the blocked toilet. He delves into his toolbox and opens a packet and throws in a couple of Paracetamol.
The plumber looks at the doctor and says -- 'If it's not better in the morning give me a call'
'Whats the problem? a very groggy plumber asks.
'My toilet is blocked' replies the doctor.
'You expect me to come out at 2 in the morning for a blocked toilet!'
'Listen my dear fellow, if you phoned me in the early hours you'd expect me to come'.
'Ok,Ok, give me twenty minutes and I'll be with you.
The plumber duly arrives at the doctors and is led upstairs and shown the blocked toilet. He delves into his toolbox and opens a packet and throws in a couple of Paracetamol.
The plumber looks at the doctor and says -- 'If it's not better in the morning give me a call'
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked,...
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked,...
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Remember when botox was a taboo subject? Now nobody raises an eyebrow.
OK, you can see the punch line from the moon, but still................
The Pope Plays Golf
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None who plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there's a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" asked the Pope.
"Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
The Pope Plays Golf
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None who plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there's a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" asked the Pope.
"Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
