You'll like this Funny story competition

[slim63]

To keep spirits up in these difficult times I decided to launch a competition with a prize of one of my clocks free & for nowt, posted to a uk address of your choice

Rules
The funny one wins
It must be about you or something you were very closely involved in, no s/h hearsay rubbish
Fully paid up members only
Runs for a week from today


Here is a mildly funny one of mine to get you started

Back in the 80's I was (cough) 'seeing' a young lady who's dad had a real hate for scruffy biker types so I had never actually met him (me being his worst nightmare at that time)

One sunny afternoon things were getting interesting in her bedroom when we hear a noise at the front door, I peek through the curtains to see a monster of a man collecting shopping from a car & she says "ooh shit its my dad" This bloke is a good 6'4" & carrying a dozen heavy looking bags in each huge hand with all the effort it would take me to lift a pint

Fook its time to get out of here! so I dive out the window onto the garage roof clad in underpants, one sock & trainers, she chucks the rest of my kit out, I grab it pile off the roof onto next door's drive & leg it as fast as my skinny legs will carry me

The upshot of this is one red faced skinny bloke huffing like a steam train getting dressed in a bus stop half a mile away, just as the bus from town pulls up & disgorges 20+ happy shoppers

 

[Stevebrooke]

An ex-colleague of mine sat in his living room making use of his internet connection and a box of Kleenex when a bus stops outside his house and all the top deck passengers get an eyeful.

 

[Bluelagoona]

True story.....
Back in the long hot summer of '76 I was out on my triumph happily poodleing about when a wasp entered the open top of my leather jacket.
Suddenly I can feel something crawling inside my jacket I squirmed bit and rubbed the front of my jacket... as you do...BIG MISTAKE !!
The little sod stings me ... god it hurt... I hammer on my chest in an effort to kill it
After a few moments I cant feel anything except the sting so I assume its dead.
I ride on... only to be stung again in the nuts !!
I howled in pain and dropped the triumph, lept off,and proceeded to drop my jeans and pants in a desperate attempt to get rid of the little assasin and check for damage.
The wasp flys away unharmed and my left nut is throbbing with a pain I never want to experience again.
It is only then I suddenly realise I am standing with my jeans and pants at half mast in broad daylight.
I looked up to see two elderly ladies waiting at a bus stop opposite.
The look on their faces is one that will haunt me to the grave.
I picked up the triumph and for once it started straight away and I sped off.
It was months before I ventured that way again.

 

[Squag1]

Not me, but a woman I know was asked to get batteries for a vibrating baby bouncer.
She walked up to young (16 maybe) lad behind the counter and said....
"Can I have two big C batteries for a vibrator"
As it dawned on her what she said, she turned on her heel and walked out.

I wonder what yer man told his mates about the "owld wan" looking for batteries.

 

[Malone]

Today, and this is funny peculiar not laugh funny. I was tasked with cleaning the windows, and so I’m doing upstairs. Next door a couple of the kids are playing on the enclosed trampoline. The screaming, laughing, giggling etc. went quiet and I looked over and there was one female sprawled across another and it dawned on me she was dry humping her little sister with a huge smile on her face. Her sister is 8 I think, the older one about 11/12 and oblivious to me washing windows. That was rather uncomfortable to notice.

 

[Centaur]

Today, and this is funny peculiar not laugh funny. I was tasked with cleaning the windows, and so I’m doing upstairs. Next door a couple of the kids are playing on the enclosed trampoline. The screaming, laughing, giggling etc. went quiet and I looked over and there was one female sprawled across another and it dawned on me she was dry humping her little sister with a huge smile on her face. Her sister is 8 I think, the older one about 11/12 and oblivious to me washing windows. That was rather uncomfortable to notice.

We won't ask what you did with the photos, Malone.

 

[derek kelly]

An ex-colleague of mine sat in his living room making use of his internet connection and a box of Kleenex when a bus stops outside his house and all the top deck passengers get an eyeful.

RIP Duncan.

 

[derek kelly]

I have told this one before & as I recall it provided much mirth,
When I was at Junior School there was a lad called Mark Ainsley, he was always a target for ridicule as he used to come out with stupid statements, one of his favourites was that racing cars wore glasses.
After Christmas break 1968 we returned to school, we were all discussing what we got for Christmas when Mark turns up on a shiny bright new bicycle, comments such as “wow, nice bike Mark” ensued, one of the other lads declared that he’d got a couple of chipmunks for Christmas, Mark straight away said “gimme em, I love Chipmunks” the lad said “give me your bike & you can have them” soft lad did can’t recall if his father ever did manage to persuade the lad to swap back.

 

[slim63]

We have a clear leader ………………. unless there is anyone else daft willing to post

 

[derek kelly]

One dinner time I was walking up town in Wakefield, a bus had just dropped off a party of schoolgirls to see the pantomime.
I noticed a colleague on the other side of the road so I shouted to him & waved, I bumped into something & looked down I’d walked into a bent over schoolgirl & knocked her off balance, instinctively my arms shot out & I grabbed her waist, picture the scene, a schoolgirl bent over with a Prison Officer holding her & appearing to hump her in full view of not only the public but also a colleague who couldn’t wait to tell everyone.

Another time I was shopping in Morrisons, I wanted a small tin of cocoa, I went to a young female assistant who had her back to me, she was only about 5’ tall, I said “excuse me have you any small..” I mean’t to say tins but as she turned I noticed her mammaries were absolutely huge & instead of tins it came out as tits followed by a couple of coughs.

 

[andyBeaker]

I worked with a guy called Keith who was a massive QPR fan. He had been refused time off work to go and see them play in Reykjavik in the UEFA Cup. He decided to throw a sickie and went anyway, carefully putting plans in place to conceal his deceit.

The day after the game The Daily Mirror had a big picture of a QPR player taking a throw in during the match on its back page....with Keith beautifully framed in the background.

Obviously in the office we were all bent double with laughter all day and how he got away without it being spotted by or shopped to 'management' still puzzles me to this day.

Also, I went with Keith to an evening game at Ipswich where he wore a luminous pink Fred Perry polo, the height of fashion at the time. Not long into the game the home fans at the other end of the ground were singing 'who's the wanker in the pink'.

RIP Keith, taken too young, legend.

 

[derek kelly]

I worked with a guy called Keith who was a massive QPR fan. He had been refused time off work to go and see them play in Reykjavik in the UEFA Cup. He decided to throw a sickie and went anyway, carefully putting plans in place to conceal his deceit.

The day after the game The Daily Mirror had a big picture of a QPR player taking a throw in during the match on its back page....with Keith beautifully framed in the background.

Obviously in the office we were all bent double with laughter all day and how he got away without it being spotted by or shopped to 'management' still puzzles me to this day.

Also, I went with Keith to an evening game at Ipswich where he wore a luminous pink Fred Perry polo, the height of fashion at the time. Not long into the game the home fans at the other end of the ground were singing 'who's the wanker in the pink'.

RIP Keith, taken too young, legend.

We had a similar incident, an Officer who will remain nameless butSteve Brooke will know who it is, the guy put in for leave so he could go to watch England Cricket at Headingley, he didn’t get the leave so he went sick, during the Game our Chief Officer called into the tea room to catch up on the cricket, as he’s watching the screens are moved & there in full view & close up is our colleague, the Chief nearly blew a gasket & had a few words to say on the guy’s return.

 

[Stevebrooke]

We had a similar incident, an Officer who will remain nameless butSteve Brooke will know who it is, the guy put in for leave so he could go to watch England Cricket at Headingley, he didn’t get the leave so he went sick, during the Game our Chief Officer called into the tea room to catch up on the cricket, as he’s watching the screens are moved & there in full view & close up is our colleague, the Chief nearly blew a gasket & had a few words to say on the guy’s return.

Good old Godfrey. Still knocking around Wakefield I believe.

 

[Lee337]

Many years ago me & my mate, Paul frequently found ourselves at various parties, especially in winter. We lived in a small seaside town that effectively closed from November to March.

Paul had many nicknames over our time as youths, one in particular was Cabbage, given to him after particularly heavy night where he established himself as 'The Tester of all things (that would get you off your face), the loss of one eyebrow & someone cutting the arse out of his jeans, exposing his green underwear.

On one occasion we had left the local nightclub at kicking out time, 1.00am in those days, and headed for a party we'd heard of at one of our more dubious friends. On walking in and in a very short space of time we found ourselves in the kitchen, each with a drink in hand, where we proceeded to 'roll-up'. Some time later another acquaintance walked into the kitchen with a pill pot full of something, although he wasn't sure what.

True to his name, Cabbage offered to take one to find out. Down went the pill, closely followed by a generous helping of Navy Neaters (rum). Sometime later Cabbage got up & staggered to the toilet after asking me to 'roll-up' again.

Some time later, Andy, the party host came in to the kitchen asking where Cabbage was. Not being certain, I thought I'd look in the obvious place, the toilet. There he was, fast asleep, arms round the toilet. I admit, at this point I checked he was breathing and on finding he was, decided to leave him be. But I did need to go to the loo, so positioned my feet either side of his head, relieved myself & went to find Andy to let him know Cabbage was asleep in the toilet.

Cabbage stayed there the rest of the night but each time someone used the loo, they checked that he was at least, still breathing. Eventually, when the party had run its course, sometime after 8.00am, Andy and myself dragged him out of the toilet, placed him on the couch (as a good friend does) and went home.

The next time I see him, the first words that come out of his mouth was 'YOU BAS***D'. Turns out he wasn't asleep, but according to him, fully conscious, just unable to move. Apparently I was the first of many that night whose aim wasn't as good as I thought, and that included both sexes.

 

[Squag1]

He claims this is true.
They were away on cricket match.
Obviously had to go the pub.

One of them bought or brought a piss pot, cooking chocolate and red lemonade (the stuff you guys don't have).

At the end of the night they arrived back at the hotel. He invited a few likely lads back to his room for beer.
It was many years ago maybe en-suites were scarce.
So when they were all sitting around on bed floor etc, he produced the potty from under the bed and proceeded to eat the shaped up chocolate and sup the lemonade........
I believe a lot of beer was regurgitated.

 

[derek kelly]

red lemonade (the stuff you guys don't have).

We call it by it’s proper name, Tizer.

 

[Malone]

Or Irnbru ?

 

[Squag1]

We call it by it’s proper name, Tizer.

Looks like it ok.

 

[Jaws]

This is an absolutely true story,, There are a few from the early days but thought this might suit for here

Dad had been stopped by plod for having a duff silencer on his
outfit ( bike and sidecar ). Rather than go buy a new silencer he
decided to quiet the old one down. He bought a load of wire wool,
and some chicken wire. He then made up a 'slug' of wire wool
matted in to the chicken wire. This he rolled up very tightly and
stuffed up the silencer. It was quiet all right ! In fact so quite
you could actually hear the engine rattles
The following day was Sunday, and as usual during the summer months
my mom and I were packed in to the sidecar and off we would go to
Southend for the day ( For the benefit of those not from the UK
that is a sea side resort about 30 miles from London )
As we pulled up on the sea front dad pulled on the exhaust valve
lifter to stop the engine, but released it a little to early,
causing the engine to backfire as it died.
We all jumped, laughed, and thought no more of it. As we walked away
a small crowd had gathered in the road about 30 yds off.
We wandered along to see what was going on. Lying in the road was a
bus conductor, out cold ... I over heard a guy say that he had been
shot !
Right smack in the middle of his chest was a big black ring..
Laying a little way off was... Yup, you guessed it, a nicely rolled
up lump of chicken wire with wire wool woven in
Some 3 hours later when we returned to the bike, dad strolled over
and collected his silencer 'baffles' which were still in the
kerb !

 

[Minkey]

yesterday morning I was doing some housework when Squash, one of my parrots spoke up

Squash ^what are you doing "
me *some dusting,"
Squash "Hooray "
Squash "about time too"
me "cheeky, I'll have your tail off"
Squash"i will"