nah it goes along these lines but is full of scientific mumble jumble
REDEFINING GRAVITY
by Adam Waller
The common conception (i.e. yours, stupid!) of gravity is of a force of attraction between two objects of mass; greater mass yields greater gravity, and all objects are equally affected by gravity.
Gravity is not as such. Gravity is much more easily accounted for by atmospheric pressure. Everybody knows, even without the enlightenment of Dr. Bullock's Honors Physics seminar, that matter can be neither created nor destroyed. Air, rocks, trees, humans, bagels, and all other components of our world are forms of matter. "The Thin Blue Line" traps all of these objects in our own little biosphere where everything tries to remain at equilibrium and not be destroyed or created.
However, trees, plants, people that eat too much, and all other growing objects collectively expand at an alarming rate (9.8 m/s). The air around them becomes displaced and pushes upward and outward against the atmosphere. The resultant force needed to keep the atmosphere at equilibrium is what we call gravity. However, it is not a pull of the earth's mass, but rather a downward push of air that has been displaced upon all of our bodies.
In recent years, athletes such as Jordan, Gretsky, Blair, and Lewis have jumped higher and run faster than ever before. Why is this so? Have athletes become better trained? Are they increasing in talent in a manner similar to global warming? Absolutely not. They jump higher and run faster because they pop steroids like little kids pop a sheet of packaging bubbles. Oh, and because gravity is lessening. The main causes of gravity are the growth of trees, plants and fat people. However, due to an expansion of population, non-environmentally conscious money lords have deforested our rain forests and expanded parking lots across the globe, resulting in fewer trees and plants. Furthermore, due to an increase of self-conscious people and a variety of nutrition experts wasting time on diet research, bulimia, anorexia, and the usage of diet pills are at an all-time high, resulting in fewer fat people.
HOWEVER, due to the increase of parking lots and diet pills, the expansion of exhaust (both automobile and human) has come close to neutralizing the loss of gravity produced by plant and obese growth. But a significant change has occurred -- Why else would our physics text (published in 1826) use a gravity coefficient of 10, when all modern scientists have measured gravity at 9.8? Soon my friends, moonwalking will not be just for Michael Jackson...
FIGHTING GRAVITY
by Kyle Lumsden
Once again, Dr. Waller has dazzled us with a brilliantly worded and utterly wrong scientific thesis. In fact, gravity is nothing but a misconception and a total figment of our collective imagination. I hereby begin my debunking of the gravity myth, replacing it with a concept henceforth referred to as ytivarg.
The palindromic ytivarg is a most appropriate term for this universal law... er, poorly supported theory, as it assumes that Newton's concept of gravity is completely bassackwards.
FIRST LAW OF YTIVARG
An object at rest will stay at rest until it wakes up.
My First Law contains self-evident truth, whereas Newton's First "Law" contains lots of fancy inversions and you-know-what.
SECOND LAW OF YTIVARG
F = Isaac's mother
My theory of ytivarg does not require the application of countless confusing formulas that Newton pulled straight out of his you-know-what.
THIRD LAW OF YTIVARG
What goes up must keep going up.
The Third Law is the foundation of ytivarg. It states, in the most simple of terms, that the idea of "falling" and, likewise, the theory of gravity, are nothing more than nonexistent human constructs. When you jump in the air, for instance, you remain at the apex, while the ground rises to meet you. "Falling", as the process is often referred to, is strictly an illusion. Everything is continuously going up.
"Why then," you ask, "isn't the circumference of Earth expanding at a ridiculous rate?"
"What if," you ask, "two people are standing side by side, and one jumps into the air but the other does not?"
To answer such questions, I invoke Einstein's Theory of Relativity, which states that, if you ever claim to know what's really going on in the universe, you're full of you-know-what.