Murt
Letch
The Twelve Days of Christmas
* Subject: The Twelve Days of Christmas
* Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1998 09:21:08 +1000
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge
in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a
hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese
are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining
and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming.
What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house
and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a
nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a
milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all
over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart
ass.
Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those
maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset
and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going
to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now
the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a
river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police
on you !
Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three
of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I
hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on
sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices
of
Badger, Bender and Chole
:rant:
:shooter:
* Subject: The Twelve Days of Christmas
* Date: Mon, 20 Jul 1998 09:21:08 +1000
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge
in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a
hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese
are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining
and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming.
What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house
and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a
nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a
milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all
over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart
ass.
Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those
maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset
and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going
to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now
the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a
river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police
on you !
Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three
of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I
hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on
sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices
of
Badger, Bender and Chole
:rant:
:shooter: