I need to vent.

[Murt]

Since my old man popped his clogs in February, my mother has slowly gone downhill. Mentally, physically and mental health wise. Low level dementia now.
She has carers four times a day, but they can only stay for a short time, and family see her regularly whenever possible. (Took me 3 hours yesterday to do 100 miles down the M6) I'm sure we all know the situation. She rings daily saying how lonely and upset she is.

Today I took her to some assisted living homes to have a look and decide, Mrs M and I had already whittled it down to a few aftercare being all day Saturday visiting loads.
On the way home in the car, she said that she liked the last place ( the one we hoped she liked, with the best reports).
Loved the staff, room was decent and nice view. Food looked and smelled great. She even remembered the name of the woman who was in then next room that she had been chatting to for quite a while!
Looking good so far eh.

Get her home.
Brew and a chat about the next things to do...... ( Social Services have agreed to fund her if she agrees to move into care)

Then

She pipes up, as if it's a request to turn the telly over.....

"I'm not going into any of those places. They are all full of old people, ( she's 89 today), nutters and people just waiting to die, and all the staff have big arses!".

I could have bloody strangled her!

So.. I now have to tell Social Services that we think she likes a place but she can't remember liking it. And hope they don't do another one on one interview to ask her what she wants.

She will probably ask for a cat.

Murt.

 

[noobie]

Have the same issue with my dad, at 80, he is in the pensioners bungalows but is always moaning it's full of old people in gods waiting room and he is early onset dementia

I know like you, there will come a point where I have to become the parent making the upsetting decision even though it may upset him one day, the next it probably will not. When that day comes I intend to make the decision based on me wanting them to be around longer and that means safely, I'll deal with the emotional side of it after he's in a safe place.

I had an ex who worked in many nursing homes and her advice was, if you find a good one and it's funded, get in there quick.

 

[Pow-Lo]

Since my old man popped his clogs in February, my mother has slowly gone downhill. Mentally, physically and mental health wise. Low level dementia now.
She has carers four times a day, but they can only stay for a short time, and family see her regularly whenever possible. (Took me 3 hours yesterday to do 100 miles down the M6) I'm sure we all know the situation. She rings daily saying how lonely and upset she is.

Today I took her to some assisted living homes to have a look and decide, Mrs M and I had already whittled it down to a few aftercare being all day Saturday visiting loads.
On the way home in the car, she said that she liked the last place ( the one we hoped she liked, with the best reports).
Loved the staff, room was decent and nice view. Food looked and smelled great. She even remembered the name of the woman who was in then next room that she had been chatting to for quite a while!
Looking good so far eh.

Get her home.
Brew and a chat about the next things to do...... ( Social Services have agreed to fund her if she agrees to move into care)

Then

She pipes up, as if it's a request to turn the telly over.....

"I'm not going into any of those places. They are all full of old people, ( she's 89 today), nutters and people just waiting to die, and all the staff have big arses!".

I could have bloody strangled her!

So.. I now have to tell Social Services that we think she likes a place but she can't remember liking it. And hope they don't do another one on one interview to ask her what she wants.

She will probably ask for a cat.

Murt.

Did any of the staff have big tits, though?

We had a similar thing with my great-granny back in the late 90s. When I was home on leave from sea, I would go and see her every day except Sunday. She was in her mid 90s at the time, lived alone and had a carer coming in a couple of times a day. A neighbour popped in once a day and a friend was in twice a day and the odd family member would amble in maybe once a day and a few popped in on Saturday. The local priest also came over once a month to give her Communion because she was too old to make her own way to mass.

She went into a home towards the end and she hated it because it was "full of old people". A bunch of family were in uproar against some of the others for putting her in the home on the basis that she was 'marvellous for her age'. In fairness, she was; she had all her marbles but it was things like preparing food for herself that became difficult. However, these twats who protested only ever visited my gran twice a year; on her birthday in July and again around Christmas. Families are a bastard nuisance.

I hope you get your mum sorted, Steve.

 

[derek kelly]

Dementia is horrendous, friends of ours took their Mother/mil in six years ago when her husband died, she is now 93 & has had dementia for all of those six years, our friend gave up her managerial job to be a full time carer.
They used some of her money to adapt their house to make things easier for her, friend's sister & husband suddenly pop up wanting to know where the money has gone & why they haven't had their share.
Families can be shite, told kids if I get dementia to take me to the coast & shove me off a cliff & say I wandered off.

 

[Centaur]

Just for the record I am 76 and there is no way I am ever going into an old peeps home. I have a friend who is 86 , has all her marbles and had to go into a home after a heart op. She wishes she was dead and hates being surrounded by elderly nutters as she describes them. If I get the idea I am going into one of those places it will be a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of aspirins. That or a long swim off the beach at night. Most of the peeps in old peoples homes would be put down if they were dogs. Quality of life is all that counts in any animal and that includes humans. .

 

[Squag1]

Just for the record I am 76 and there is no way I am ever going into an old peeps home.

We going to have a wheelchair section here soon........??

 

[andyBeaker]

Such a difficult subject. My dad developed the outward signs of dementia very quickly at a relatively young age. Fortunately he was very placid and generally compliant. My mum looked after him for about ten years at home. While it was the best solution for him it was a massive ask of my mum although, bless her, she did it lovingly with a smile on her face. In some ways it was a blessing that it happened when it did - mum was young enough to have the ability to,deal with it, and also had plenty of life left in her when we lost him to enjoy her own twilight years.

Mum is now 86 and physically pretty good. However, she is beginning to slow down mentally and does the saying the same things over and over again quite a lot. She is fortunate enough to choose where she lives and is in a lovely penthouse apartment in a 'retirement' complex. This has all the features she needs as she gets older in terms of mobility, alarm call system plus someone on site during 'office hours' to help,with any problems. However, medical care is not given. A,pretty good solution for the moment, although the service charges put it out of reach for many.

One thing I would say to anyone - don't be afraid to get a social worker involved - the one we had for dad was amazing and made a lot of things easier than they might have been, particularly when the inevitable time arrived when he had to go into a home.

There is also no stigma to asking a social worker what financial help might be available - 'carer's allowance' can make a difficult situation a little easier.

As an aside, £60 on a lightweight wheelchair is a good investment - inevitably there will come a time when an unexpected trip to A&E is needed - as I found out a while back getting an ambulance at 2am on Sunday night isn't the easiest!!

 

[Quiney]

Sound very familiar. Dad's in a home at the moment. Says its full of old folk, keeps wanting to go home. (early dementia and limited mobility) Moans there's nothing to do but won't join in with the organised events.
Luckily I have a big stretch of water between me and him. My sister lives locally and bears the brunt of the day to day problems.

 

[andyBeaker]

Luckily I have a big stretch of water between me and him. My sister lives locally and bears the brunt of the day to day problems.

AAAAARGGGGGHHHhHH!

My brother in law lives 90 minutes away from his 86 year old mum who lives just round the corner from us, pops down three times a year and takes her out to lunch to,ease his conscience. Doesn't even overnight..

He is down on the 16th, there are going to be a few words said. He is retiring in November and better up his game.

 

[Quiney]

AAAAARGGGGGHHHhHH!

My brother in law lives 90 minutes away from his 86 year old mum who lives just round the corner from us, pops down three times a year and takes her out to lunch to,ease his conscience. Doesn't even overnight..

He is down on the 16th, there are going to be a few words said. He is retiring in November and better up his game.

You are reading it wrong Andy. Due to being local to him, my sister can get up to 10 phone calls a day from him, often asking the same question. I only get the odd call when he can't contact my sister.
Despite the distance I see him over on the Island several times a year and when he comes over to Liverpool Aintree hospital for eye treatment I pick him up from the airport, take him for appointments and have him at my house for a couple of days. (hard work because he forgets where he is)

 

[Murt]

Well, that's it.
Big family discussion, and we are all agreed she needs constant care.
Social Services are actually being very good, and are pushing the panel for a quick decision about her moving into the place we have selected.
Feel better today as it seems we are getting somewhere now.

Apart from her ringing me back ten minutes after I called, complaining no one ever calls.

You have to smile....

Murt.