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Tragic

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
Old guy that lived opposite my daughter has died, he was found this evening by his son, he was 84 so he had a good innings, he lost his wife six years ago & just wanted to join her, the son visited everyday & employed a gardener to come round twice a week, the tragedy is up until his wife died Vince was an active member of a very good street community, he would always stop for a chat, when his wife died he never came out of his house & stopped answering the door to neighbours, six years never leaving his house he must have felt so desperate & lost despite daily visits from his son.
 

Me!

Utterly retired
Club Sponsor
I relate to this. My father lost his wife (my mother) 3 years ago. He barely leaves the house and is 83. They spent over 5 decades together. He will not speak a word to anyone other than myself and my brother. It’s a dreadful state as he’s reasonably fit and well just absolutely floored by losing her. Life’s shit sometimes.
 

Squag1

Can't remember....
Club Sponsor
I relate to this. My father lost his wife (my mother) 3 years ago. He barely leaves the house and is 83. They spent over 5 decades together. He will not speak a word to anyone other than myself and my brother. It’s a dreadful state as he’s reasonably fit and well just absolutely floored by losing her. Life’s shit sometimes.
Sorry to hear this.
Would he do counselling. It does work for many people.
 

Me!

Utterly retired
Club Sponsor
Sorry to hear this.
Would he do counselling. It does work for many people.
Tried all avenues and albeit I’ve not given up it’s getting ever harder. It truly is like talking to a brick wall. Everything is a one word answer. His car was due service and first mot. I sorted it all for him and looked at the mileage of just 24 miles in three years. The garage is an 8 mile round trip……
If I can get him to come out with me for a coffee / tea shop he doesn’t speak at all. I’m concerned that he will get ill or is potentially ill (which he will/is) and not say anything to anyone. He has even made the house ‘death ready’ as he calls it and everything is boxed up that’s not necessary for day to day living. He has pots of £ and has worked hard for it. Sad times , no real solution.
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
91. A fine innings but I understand his sentiment… I think.
Amazing really as my Mother died in 76 & from that day my Father looked after my mentally handicapped brother & was still looking after him up to the fall down stairs that led to his death.
 

Me!

Utterly retired
Club Sponsor
Amazing really as my Mother died in 76 & from that day my Father looked after my mentally handicapped brother & was still looking after him up to the fall down stairs that led to his death.
And brother ? Now catered for I hope if I’ve read that the right way !
 

Squag1

Can't remember....
Club Sponsor
Tried all avenues and albeit I’ve not given up it’s getting ever harder. It truly is like talking to a brick wall. Everything is a one word answer. His car was due service and first mot. I sorted it all for him and looked at the mileage of just 24 miles in three years. The garage is an 8 mile round trip……
If I can get him to come out with me for a coffee / tea shop he doesn’t speak at all. I’m concerned that he will get ill or is potentially ill (which he will/is) and not say anything to anyone. He has even made the house ‘death ready’ as he calls it and everything is boxed up that’s not necessary for day to day living. He has pots of £ and has worked hard for it. Sad times , no real solution.
Did the councillor/psych people not have a plan. This won't be their first time for this.
I have a friend in a sort of similar situation and it's very difficult to get them to progress engagement with professionals or friends.
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
And brother ? Now catered for I hope if I’ve read that the right way !
Colin went to a marvellous home in Horsforth where he had thirteen years of living his best life, going on holidays & to concerts etc, sadly he died on 27th October 2014, just realised the budster was born on the 6th anniversary of Colin’s death. Could explain why he’s a brilliant pp.
 
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derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
Did the councillor/psych people not have a plan. This won't be their first time for this.
I have a friend in a sort of similar situation and it's very difficult to get them to progress engagement with professionals or friends.
Sometimes elderly people are set in their ways & won’t accept help, my Father had a knock on the door from social services offering to take Colin for a while to give my Father a break, he told them where to go, same with meals on wheels, the final fall down stairs was his third one, after his second fall we offered to find a bungalow for him, I won’t print the reply on here.
 
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Me!

Utterly retired
Club Sponsor
Did the councillor/psych people not have a plan. This won't be their first time for this.
I have a friend in a sort of similar situation and it's very difficult to get them to progress engagement with professionals or friends.
Yes, plans were put in place which he wholeheartedly agreed to. Once home he refused to ever speak to them again nor answer the phone or read the post. It’s a relentless barricade of negativity:(
 

Minkey

Ok it was me
Club Sponsor
when my Dad died my mum just gave up and passed away 8 months later, unfortunately she lived 100 miles away and so I couldn't see her as often as I wanted to but my brother called round a couple of times a week and I phoned her twice a week.
 

slim63

Never surrender
Club Sponsor
As some of you know I have suffered my own losses and all I can say is everyone deals with grief in different ways so there is no "correct" answer or solution for any of you looking to help the gentlemen above

I know I am a lot younger than the folks mentioned above but from experience trying to force your ideas of what is the right thing to do even with the best of intentions will lead to conflict

Only my own opinion from personal experience but find out what they really want and go with the flow no matter how much you may disagree, make suggestions to try and spark some interest but don't force it, and try speaking gently about the people lost to them ...... honestly for me personally one of the worst things after the initial grief was people pussyfooting around me when all I wanted was to be treated as I had always been

As for counciling, that's another grey area, the person needing help has to want it and make that decision for themselves or it simply becomes a chore and does not work ... somewhere between 5 and 6 years for me before I was ready but it can be a few months or never as like said everyone is different

I hope this gives a couple of you guys food for thought .
 

Minkey

Ok it was me
Club Sponsor
When I lost my husband my families attitude was sorry to hear that, now suck it up and get on with it. in addition one of my colleagues didn't talk to me for 6 weeks he said he was worried he would say the wrong thing.
As for councilling I found talking to some one from Cruise bereavement very helpful. But people are different and how they deal with bereavement is different
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
One evening we were getting ready to go out, kids were with Bev’s Mum & Dad, Bev came down from the bathroom, she was quiet, I asked her what was up tears in her eyes she said “I think I’ve just had a miscarriage” the hospital confirmed this, the worst thing said to us was by our friend Lorraine, “well it’s not as if you were wanting another baby” she didn’t mean to be thoughtless but that statement hurt, to this day we don’t know whether it was a boy or girl, there was no funeral, no burial or cremation, there were no flowers or reminders all we have are thoughts of what may have been.
About ten years later Bev went with some friends to see a medium, Bev was told “you have lost a child, there’s a little boy about nine years old looking down on you” she has been told similar on three occasions now & I don’t even believe in mediums.
 
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