Load of shit.

[Wolfie]

>Weve all been there but dont like to admit it. Weve all
>> >kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
>> >brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves
>> >otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate
>> >pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
>> >a dump at work.
>> >
>> >CROP DUSTING
>> >When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
>> >smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
>> >doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do
>> >this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
>> >Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
>> >pants.
>> >
>> >FLY BY
>> >The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in
>> >and check for other pooers. If there are others in the
>> >bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
>> >become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
>> >they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>> >
>> >ESCAPEE
>> >A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>> >forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
>> >sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
>> >not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
>> >standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
>> >not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
>> >for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
>> >parties feel
>> >uneasy.
>> >
>> >JAILBREAK
>> >When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
>> >pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a
>> >hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in
>> >the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
>> >everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>> >
>> >COURTESY FLUSH
>> >The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
>> >water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to
>> >stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
>> >doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>> >
>> >WALK OF SHAME
>> >Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
>> >have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
>> >uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
>> >with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
>> >exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>> >
>> >OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
>> >A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You
>> >will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
>> >with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
>> >look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer
>> >before entering the bathroom.
>> >
>> >THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
>> >A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
>> >pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to
>> >monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and
>> >identify SAFE HAVENS.
>> >
>> >SAFE HAVENS
>> >A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
>> >can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
>> >of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer
>> >of your sex entering the bathroom.
>> >
>> >TURD BURGLAR
>> >Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
>> >tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
>> >shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking
>> >a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
>> >Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
>> >uncomfortable eye contact.
>> >
>> >CAMO-COUGH
>> >A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
>> >that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
>> >WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very
>> >effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>> >
>> >ASTAIRE
>> >A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
>> >Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove
>> >all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire
>> >, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in
>> >peace.
>> >
>> >WATERMELON
>> >A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
>> >water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
>> >Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>> >
>> >HAVANA OMELET
>> >A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in
>> >the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
>> >Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
>> >
>> >UNCLE TED
>> >A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
>> >spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
>> >sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
>> >while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when
>> >the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
>> >other bathroom attendees.

 

[Smoothandquick]

stonking.....

funny as eck Wolfie.....off for a watermelon now.......:-:

 

[marcella]

first class wolfie type drivel, laughed like fook:yo:

 

[Centaur]

Drivel Marcella?

Wise words from Wolfie for those working in an office environment. :bow:

























and funny as f*ck.

 

[Artemis]

To follow on from Wolfie (as opposed to follow through, of course)...........

The Poopie Chart


Ghost Poo
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realize... there's more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your pants down.

King Kong Poo
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well. This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house (or at work!).

Cork Poo
Also known as "floaters". Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Morning After Poo
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house (normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo
Also called "screamers". You know it's safe to eat again when your bum stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the stitches or go for the fuller figure.