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Daily Smile thread

T.C

Been there, and had one
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I tried to get into a support group for people with Tourette's Syndrome, but they told me to fuck off!

A member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl who played the Toblerone!

I put my hair in a bun yesterday… That's why I no longer work at Greggs!

I just bought a Christmas tree and my daughter asked, "Dad, are you going to put it up yourself?"
I replied, "No, I was going to put it up in the living room!"

Got myself a takeaway coffee today. I asked if I could pay by card.
The waitress said, "Yes of course. What have you got?"
I said, "The four of clubs!"

If a female boxer starts her period during a fight, should her corner throw in the towel?

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way for a woman to arouse a man is to lick his ears...
Personally, I think it's bollocks!

As I lay on the couch, talking about my childhood and sobbing, I said, "Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Yes," replied the DFS sales assistant.

What’s six inches long has a big purple head on it and sends women crazy?
A twenty pound note!

Just been watching women’s golf on Sky. It's so much like real life...
They're shit at driving but great with an iron!

I shagged my best mate's wife and now I feel awful...
Reckon she's given me her cold!

I've got a couple of Russian pals. One is an Uber driver and is name his Pikup Andropov.
The other delivers fizzy pop bottles. His name is Dropabottleof Popoff!

The wife was in the kitchen cooking me bacon and eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do...
Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an alll day breakfast for just £3.99!

My wife called. She said, "The 2 kids want you to take them bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema."
"It's either one or the other," I said. "Otherwise it's too expensive."
"Ok," she replied. "Which one do you prefer?"
I said, "William!"

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages.
Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup!

I went on a date last night with a hot girl who has eczema...
Cracking tits!

I was shocked today when my wife tried to give me a blowjob whilst I was driving...
Totally messed up my tee shot!

My wife and I had a big argument last night. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible…
Wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery!

My wife asked, "Do you know someone called Lisa?"
"Nope", I replied.
"You must know somebody called Lisa", she said.
"Actually, that's the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?" I replied.
"Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!"
 
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