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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Great news for insomniacs, only three more sleeps until Christmas
Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning looking girl.
Paddy smiles at her and winds his window down.
She smiles back and winds her window down.
Paddy says ' have you farted as well ??'..
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and burn them.
I did that, and feel much better, but I am wondering, do I keep the letters ???
I was telling a girl in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her breasts.
"Really? Go on then try."
After 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
My girlfriend asked me if I want to get married someday.
I said "Of course, once I meet the right woman."
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.
“Whatever floats your boat”. She said.
“No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.
My 5 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden.
20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore. Ungrateful shit !!!
Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.
Fortunately none of them can read a map!
Elvis Presley's coffin was made from redwood and took two week's to make.
Michael Jackson's was made from oak and took a week.
Gene Pitney's? 24 hour's, from balsa!!
I texted my wife today "I had a bad accident at work.
I fell from a great height, Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital, the Drs examined me, they x rayed my legs & say I may never walk again, & be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.”
She texted back Who the f**k is Sarah ?
First date..... Boy: "Let's exchange numbers."
Blonde girl: "Won't that confuse people when they're trying to call us???"
Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning looking girl.
Paddy smiles at her and winds his window down.
She smiles back and winds her window down.
Paddy says ' have you farted as well ??'..
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and burn them.
I did that, and feel much better, but I am wondering, do I keep the letters ???
I was telling a girl in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her breasts.
"Really? Go on then try."
After 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
My girlfriend asked me if I want to get married someday.
I said "Of course, once I meet the right woman."
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.
“Whatever floats your boat”. She said.
“No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.
My 5 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden.
20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore. Ungrateful shit !!!
Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.
Fortunately none of them can read a map!
Elvis Presley's coffin was made from redwood and took two week's to make.
Michael Jackson's was made from oak and took a week.
Gene Pitney's? 24 hour's, from balsa!!
I texted my wife today "I had a bad accident at work.
I fell from a great height, Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital, the Drs examined me, they x rayed my legs & say I may never walk again, & be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.”
She texted back Who the f**k is Sarah ?
First date..... Boy: "Let's exchange numbers."
Blonde girl: "Won't that confuse people when they're trying to call us???"
Have you heard? The Mexicans say they WILL pay for the wall and the Canadians want one too.
