• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.50 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread


Been there, and had one
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Old is

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.


Been there, and had one
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Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been
living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'Hurry up for f**** sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, the waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?'
I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked around and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued a man with his penis stuck in a condom machine.
They asked him what happened and he said,
'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.

derek kelly

The Deli lama
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The only cow in a small village in Wales stopped giving milk but the village folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow down from Scotland and took it to the village. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They brought a strong Welsh bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away, disinterested. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from him and he was never able to do the deed

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by any chance buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow down from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you possibly know we got the cow from Scotland ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife's from Scotland"