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Daily Smile thread


Been there, and had one
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Went to the library and asked if they had a book about fat blokes with tiny dicks.
"Let me help you look" said the librarian
"That's the one!" I replied

I downloaded a copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody movie, but I think it was filmed in a cinema.
I see a little silhouetto of a man

My friend's wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping.
He said, "Not bad. I've been using some of that powdered stuff"

What do Chinese couples and Essex couples have in common?
They both bling up their kids.

An old man goes into a chemist.
"Can i have six viagra tablets and can you cut them into four"
"yes" said the chemist "but a quarter wont give you a full erection"
"I'm 96, I dont have much use for an erection I just want it sticking out far enough so i dont piss on my slippers"

My wife came out of the bathroom naked after her shower and walked into the bedroom , she said to me "shut the curtains I don't want the neighbours to see me naked " ,
"don't worry" I said " if the neighbours see you naked they'll shut there own curtains"

"Can you make me breakfast in bed?" asked the wife.
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."

Will my continental quilt still work once we leave the EU?

Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich
The poor hadn’t anything worth taking

Wife: Are you making pancakes?
Me: They’re for the dogs.
Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Me: They don’t know how to.

We were so poor, in winter we used to sit round a candle, and if it got too cold dad used to light it

It's really annoying the way people come around when I'm trying to work.
To be honest, it's ruined my career as an anaesithist!

On a date. Her - "So what do you do?"
Me - "Oh, I race cars"
Her - "Really? How interesting, do you win very often?"
Me - "No, never. The cars are way too quick"!!

To the people who say I have no willpower....
That's crap, I've packed in smoking loads of times !

I walked into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts the other day.
The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!”

Last year I found a Genie in a bottle.
“What would you like a bigger penis or a better memory? Asked the Genie.
I don’t remember what happened next.

I think Christmas should be moved to January.
The shops are less crowded and everything is half price.

Christmas is coming so be careful on the roads as quite a lot of guys will be having a few drinks and letting their wives drive.


Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
A human fart can be louder than a trombone...
I discovered that at my daughters school concert!

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb!

My local barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years...
I never knew he was a barber!

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said,
"You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton!

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I said, "Yes just once."
He asked, "What was it like?"
I replied, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright!"

I've done some terrible things for money...
Like getting up early to go to work!

Did you hear about the epileptic Roman general...
His name was Julius Seizure!

My girlfriend said she was done with my childish behaviour.
I placed my hand on her shoulder, looked deeply into her eyes and said,
"Tag, you're it!"