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Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
In a similar vein...
Mother-in-law, long since gone, in the early days of seat belt laws, as a passenger, was spoken to by cop.
"You would be better off going after real criminals"
Another time the house was broken into and they left a copy of the Mirror behind.
She was falling over herself telling cops that they didn't get that paper.
She bumped a car while parking.
Turned out the owner was from the other side of the city.
"What was he doing here. He shouldn't have been here"
And the time she had a few Bucks Fizz to drink. "I'll have another Fu(ks Bizz"
Mother-in-law, long since gone, in the early days of seat belt laws, as a passenger, was spoken to by cop.
"You would be better off going after real criminals"
Another time the house was broken into and they left a copy of the Mirror behind.
She was falling over herself telling cops that they didn't get that paper.
She bumped a car while parking.
Turned out the owner was from the other side of the city.
"What was he doing here. He shouldn't have been here"
And the time she had a few Bucks Fizz to drink. "I'll have another Fu(ks Bizz"
The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!
You'll need sound. Shouldn't need a Faecesbook account....
My father in law used to smoke a pipe, he asked us to call & get him an ounce of condom (condor)
After a few pints he was telling us his theory on life “I believe we all started from one orgasm” (organism)
Mother in law at a catholic wedding asked the priest “did you get married in Church?”
Admiring a baby in a pram “ooh Roy, come & look he’s just like a little China doll” the father was Chinese.
Feel like taking up golf?
www.thesun.co.uk
and indeed she does have ......
Watch Paige Spiranac play shot in daring attire as she jokes about skimpy top
EX-golf professional Paige Spiranac showed she’s still got it… while wearing an extremely daring low-cut top. The 27-year-old is no stranger to flaunting her figure to her 2.9million In…
www.thesun.co.uk
and indeed she does have ......
That's not funny, stroke inducing, pardon the punFeel like taking up golf?
Watch Paige Spiranac play shot in daring attire as she jokes about skimpy top
EX-golf professional Paige Spiranac showed she’s still got it… while wearing an extremely daring low-cut top. The 27-year-old is no stranger to flaunting her figure to her 2.9million In…
and indeed she does have ......
Karen & Cal got married & bought a house, they moved in & began furnishing it, they bought all the white goods but sadly just after the warranty ran out the washing machine packed in & was beyond repair, they bought another as it was something they could not do without, again though as with the first one the warranty expired & so did the washing machine, again they replaced it, Cal changed jobs & was working abroad on a two year contract, during this time karen was happy that her washing machine was working perfectly, Cal came home for a much needed break, karen took his washing & put it in the machine but nothing happened, she called a repair man, & she explained that the washing machine was working perfectly whilst Cal was working abroad but as soon as he came home it packed in, the repair man responded, “there’s your problem, washing machines live longer with Cal gone”
I really MUST get a GROAN button sorted out !
How about a "you're banned" button.?
Place would be deserted in a week !!
Aw come on gents that's the first time I laughed out loud at something on here for a week
You say that like it's a bad thing........