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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'
He said 'Whale meat again.....'
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'
He said 'Whale meat again.....'
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request..?'
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request..?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.
As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request..?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,
"READ MY LIPS...!
FOR... THE... LAST... FUCKING... TIME... "
"BRING POSSE!!
The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger..!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request..?'
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my Horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful Blonde Woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the Blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal Horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request..?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the Horse's ear.
As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous Brunette, more attractive than the Blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request..?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my Horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the Eyes and says,
"READ MY LIPS...!
FOR... THE... LAST... FUCKING... TIME... "
"BRING POSSE!!
A Farmer ordered a high tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his member....
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.
He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally he decided to call the suppliers customer service hot line with his mobile phone.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his member....
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.
He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally he decided to call the suppliers customer service hot line with his mobile phone.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons
Wife "I'm thinking of having breast enlargement surgery and it will cost around £4,000, but you will love it when it's done."
Hubby "I can tell you how to get really big breasts and it won't cost a thing."
Wife "That would be really wonderful, how would I do that?"
Hubby "Rub toilet tissue up and down between your boobs twice a day and they will really get big."
Wife...."Really? Will that actually work? actually make them bigger?"
Hubby "Don't see why not...it worked on your arse."
Hubby "I can tell you how to get really big breasts and it won't cost a thing."
Wife "That would be really wonderful, how would I do that?"
Hubby "Rub toilet tissue up and down between your boobs twice a day and they will really get big."
Wife...."Really? Will that actually work? actually make them bigger?"
Hubby "Don't see why not...it worked on your arse."
A man walks into a pub in deepest Wales and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from, you sound English?"
"I am from England" replies the man nervously.
"What do you do in England?" asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?" he asks.
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us..."
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from, you sound English?"
"I am from England" replies the man nervously.
"What do you do in England?" asks the barman.
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?" he asks.
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us..."
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st ever gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an ‘e’ minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage, "OK smart arse, you get up here and do it".
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing....
"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
In a bid to break the ice, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an ‘e’ minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise, but still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage, "OK smart arse, you get up here and do it".
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing....
"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
I was an accountant from the age of 22 to 30 before I was sacked for no apparent reason......what an absolute waste of 14 years
So which dwarf is he? Grumpy?
