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Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
T.C
Registered User
A Couple driving home run over a badger,
they get out the car and it's still breathing but freezing cold.
Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks"
Hubby says "well hold the badgers fcuking nose then!"
Sexting over 60 translated.
Sat here throbbing = Stubbed my toe
I'm so wet = Just split my tea in my lap
Aching for you = Pulled a muscle swallowing my cod liver oil tablets
You make my head spin = I stood up to quickly
I got a piercing today = Went for a blood test
"Been drinking sir?" The policeman asked.
"I had one earlier, that was it" I replied.
"I think you've had more than 1 sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's kids waiting for their go."
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her clothes and left.
I was in court today accused of stealing a piece of luggage.
It took the magistrate 45 seconds to find me guilty. It was only a brief case!!
For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.
I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.
I've just returned from seeing a local police officer doing a talk on drugs.
I couldn't understand a bloody word !
I was in a shop and they asked me if I've ever had a store card.
I replied "No, but I once got a swan quite excited"!!
I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy though.
I went to the shop. I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it.
He said Those are pickled onions Sir !!
The Chip shop I go to still wrap up meals in newspaper.
Yesterday I got a Plaice in The Sun.
When I heard you could do sperm donations by post I came in a jiffy !
Wife says to her programmer husband, buy a loaf of bread.
If they have eggs, buy a dozen.
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school.
But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.
My wife said she wanted Chanel No. 5 for her Birthday.
All I had to do was re-tune the Freeview box!
My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket,
I told her straight away I was cheating on her, there was no way on earth I was going to tell her that I was an Avon Rep.....
My uncle wanted a camper van... so I painted his transit pink !
Doctors have said that to cure my dyslexia I need an Injection in my penis.
Or was it my spine?
I was stuck in a long queue at the Chemist for ages .
So I coughed and said..."This cough is getting worse since I got back from China."
The queue disappeared.
I was sober for 14 years straight.
Then I turned 15 !
My dog ran off. After 30 mins I couldn't find it .
My wife said I should look harder , so I shaved my head , got a tattoo and I still can't find it !
A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs.
I've been his customer for years & didn't even know he was a barber
they get out the car and it's still breathing but freezing cold.
Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks"
Hubby says "well hold the badgers fcuking nose then!"
Sexting over 60 translated.
Sat here throbbing = Stubbed my toe
I'm so wet = Just split my tea in my lap
Aching for you = Pulled a muscle swallowing my cod liver oil tablets
You make my head spin = I stood up to quickly
I got a piercing today = Went for a blood test
"Been drinking sir?" The policeman asked.
"I had one earlier, that was it" I replied.
"I think you've had more than 1 sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's kids waiting for their go."
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her clothes and left.
I was in court today accused of stealing a piece of luggage.
It took the magistrate 45 seconds to find me guilty. It was only a brief case!!
For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.
I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.
I've just returned from seeing a local police officer doing a talk on drugs.
I couldn't understand a bloody word !
I was in a shop and they asked me if I've ever had a store card.
I replied "No, but I once got a swan quite excited"!!
I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. Brilliant at jografy though.
I went to the shop. I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it.
He said Those are pickled onions Sir !!
The Chip shop I go to still wrap up meals in newspaper.
Yesterday I got a Plaice in The Sun.
When I heard you could do sperm donations by post I came in a jiffy !
Wife says to her programmer husband, buy a loaf of bread.
If they have eggs, buy a dozen.
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school.
But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.
My wife said she wanted Chanel No. 5 for her Birthday.
All I had to do was re-tune the Freeview box!
My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket,
I told her straight away I was cheating on her, there was no way on earth I was going to tell her that I was an Avon Rep.....
My uncle wanted a camper van... so I painted his transit pink !
Doctors have said that to cure my dyslexia I need an Injection in my penis.
Or was it my spine?
I was stuck in a long queue at the Chemist for ages .
So I coughed and said..."This cough is getting worse since I got back from China."
The queue disappeared.
I was sober for 14 years straight.
Then I turned 15 !
My dog ran off. After 30 mins I couldn't find it .
My wife said I should look harder , so I shaved my head , got a tattoo and I still can't find it !
A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs.
I've been his customer for years & didn't even know he was a barber
My mate Ray was in the armed forces and taking his first parachute jump,he said "when I got to the door I couldn't jump". The huge instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you don't jump Ray you're gonna get this right up your arse.".
I said, 'Did you jump?' Ray said, 'A bit, when it first went in.'
I said, 'Did you jump?' Ray said, 'A bit, when it first went in.'
