I rest my case Ian!!
-
Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Been back eight days.Well, you're just in the door from being on holiday. Duh....
Do try and keep up.
36 days to the next holiday.
Been back eight days.
Do try and keep up.
36 days to the next holiday.
Go now...we'll look after the house for you.
Well they are pretty to be fair LOL!!No, John, I put that on entierly for Andrew, I thought he may "appreciate" how some of us are reminded of him when we see such "items" such as these.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.
Delia's tips.
Delia's Way :
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough luck.
Your family will eat it and be grateful for it, no matter how bad it tastes.
Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever for all I care. Who eats it anyway?
Delia's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrusts before baking to give a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Woman's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include time-wasting instructions to brush anything over anything.
Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. The throbbing won't matter any more.
Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
what do you think men are for?
Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!
Delia's Way :
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of
the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough luck.
Your family will eat it and be grateful for it, no matter how bad it tastes.
Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever for all I care. Who eats it anyway?
Delia's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrusts before baking to give a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Woman's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include time-wasting instructions to brush anything over anything.
Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. The throbbing won't matter any more.
Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
what do you think men are for?
Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!
Thankfully he wasn't followed to the loo whilst having a pish through his pierced todger.
Would've been funnier still if they'd attached a chain to the padlock and clipped it to somebody's car....Thankfully he wasn't followed to the loo whilst having a pish through his pierced todger.
There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer! Save me! Save me!" The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out.
The horse says, "Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life." Then a couple days later they are playing there again and this time the chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me, help me!!! Go get the farmer!!!"
So the horse says, "No! No! No! I think I can get you."
The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my manhood."
The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the chicken's life.So what's the moral of the story???
If you have a manhood the size of a horse, then you don't need a BMW to pickup chicks.
The horse says, "Thank you, thank you, I owe you my life." Then a couple days later they are playing there again and this time the chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me, help me!!! Go get the farmer!!!"
So the horse says, "No! No! No! I think I can get you."
The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my manhood."
The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse saves the chicken's life.So what's the moral of the story???
If you have a manhood the size of a horse, then you don't need a BMW to pickup chicks.
My dog was so traumatised by all the banging, screeching and wailing on Saturday night that she cowered behind the sofa and didn't come out until the whole racket was over...
From now on we're going to put her in the kitchen when we watch the Celebrity X-Factor!
My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot."
I got detention for asking, "Which end?"
I was staring at my girlfriend this morning and I said,
"You know, there are three things I really don't like about you."
"Oh, what are they?" she asked.
"Your chins!"
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said, "See you later, son."
I said, "Don't call me son. You're not my dad!"
To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up didn't I?"
The internet was down yesterday so I chatted to the wife instead...
I was surprised to learn she doesn't work in Woolworths anymore!
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I said:, "Yes just once."
He asked, "What was it like?"
I replied, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright!"
My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her...
She's beginning to sound just like my wife!
If you were born legs first, for a short moment you were wearing your Mum as a hat!
>'Enter new password'
= 'chicken' >
'Password must contain a capital'
= 'chickenkiev'
I've got no problem with genetically modified food...
Last night I had a lovely leg of salmon!
Last night I told my wife I was feeling horny.
"Well, we can soon sort that out," she said with a wink, and slowly undressed.
Fuck me, she was right... I stopped feeling horny immediately!
My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out.
As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."
I replied, "So you want me to stay?"
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...
Apparently the response of, "Don't worry love, your tits cover it!" wasn't the answer she was looking for!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?"
"Why the fuck would I want two empty glasses?" I asked.
From now on we're going to put her in the kitchen when we watch the Celebrity X-Factor!
My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot."
I got detention for asking, "Which end?"
I was staring at my girlfriend this morning and I said,
"You know, there are three things I really don't like about you."
"Oh, what are they?" she asked.
"Your chins!"
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said, "See you later, son."
I said, "Don't call me son. You're not my dad!"
To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up didn't I?"
The internet was down yesterday so I chatted to the wife instead...
I was surprised to learn she doesn't work in Woolworths anymore!
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I said:, "Yes just once."
He asked, "What was it like?"
I replied, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright!"
My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her...
She's beginning to sound just like my wife!
If you were born legs first, for a short moment you were wearing your Mum as a hat!
>'Enter new password'
= 'chicken' >
'Password must contain a capital'
= 'chickenkiev'
I've got no problem with genetically modified food...
Last night I had a lovely leg of salmon!
Last night I told my wife I was feeling horny.
"Well, we can soon sort that out," she said with a wink, and slowly undressed.
Fuck me, she was right... I stopped feeling horny immediately!
My wife was fed up with me, so she packed my things and told me to get out.
As I walked out she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death."
I replied, "So you want me to stay?"
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...
Apparently the response of, "Don't worry love, your tits cover it!" wasn't the answer she was looking for!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?"
"Why the fuck would I want two empty glasses?" I asked.
