Did you hear about the man who had the end of his penis cut off?
He's won a Nobel Prize!
I used to have an Italian friend who was a chef at a fancy restaurant.
Sadly he’s no longer with us anymore, he pasta-way!
My family said I'd never amount to anything, then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now
My wife has just fell over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes.
I just sat back and watched it all unfold!
My parents just told me they would love another child!
“Great, I would love a little brother” I said
“That’s not what we meant!” They replied
What's the sign outside an Egyptian car park...
Toot-and-come-in
My daughter is really missing the sun.
She has just lined up all her dolls facing out the window towards our outside grill.
I think she’s preparing some sort of Barbie Queue.
I once met a Korean martial artist who was giving away free chocolate bars.
I asked him if I could take two.
He said “No! You can Taekwondo."
I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
I started a new job as a security guard last night.
Before he left my boss told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night.
I am on season 2 already but I don't know what it has to do with security.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked, "Can you perform under pressure?"
"I'm not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!" He replied
I hired him on the spot!
My son examined his balls in the bath.
“Mum,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.
I always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.
And sure enough, today he was eaten by his favourite lion.
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.
"What are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.
"I'm a turtle,"
"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"
"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle!"
My best friend was killed with a starting pistol today.
Police think it may be race-related.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused".
Then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
