Discussion in 'Coffee Shop' started by Jaws, Aug 8, 2017.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am ?
'About32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself ... She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight's going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay ... How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonald's.
Noah was commanded by God to build an Ark, and to take the animals two by two, to keep them safe from the Flood.
I’m sure you’ve seen the terrible Russell Crowe film, but there’s some detail left out of it.
Tens of thousands of animals, cooped up day after day, week after week, create rather a large amount of shit. It piled up everywhere, massive steaming piles. It was horrendous. Something had to be done.
Noah gathered the Gorillas, Orang Utangs, Chimps and Gibbons together. He commanded them to make arrangements to coordinate the lavatorial doings, all of the animals would have to listen to what they were told to do.
Slowly this corps of toilet managers gathered together all of accumulated dung into a massive pile and they used the largest of all the animals to make a concerted effort to push it all overboard.
Clearly it took a long time to do it as this was the biggest pile of shit every seen in the history of the world. But they did it, and finally the Ark was free of that massive, steaming pile of crap and they were able to sail on without seeing it all again........
Until it was rediscovered in 1492 by Columbus.
Pmsl, also spilt my cup of tea. I could watch that over and over.
Copied and I’ve got to put this on my forum.