-
Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Two Liverpool lads in the Army writing home. One says to the other "How do you spell darrel ?" His mate says Darrel, what do you mean ?"
He says "I'm writing to me Dad and I'm telling him, that I have a new pair of boots darrel fit him"
His mate mate starts laughing and says "There's no such word as darrel". "Its Worrel"
He says "I'm writing to me Dad and I'm telling him, that I have a new pair of boots darrel fit him"
His mate mate starts laughing and says "There's no such word as darrel". "Its Worrel"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File.
Why are women like KFC?
After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File.
Why are women like KFC?
After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt!
Say what you want about pedophiles, at least they drive slowly through the school zones.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking through a dark Forest.
The little boy looks up and says "Gee Mr. This place is really scary."
The pedophile says "you're telling me? I have to walk out of this place alone!"
A rip-off.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt!
Say what you want about pedophiles, at least they drive slowly through the school zones.
A pedophile and a little boy are walking through a dark Forest.
The little boy looks up and says "Gee Mr. This place is really scary."
The pedophile says "you're telling me? I have to walk out of this place alone!"
.The train was quite crowded, so a US. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was
taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Pam is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat
left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down?
I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are
also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up
the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman screamed and shouted , 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman named @Chris sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant
for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown
the wrong bitch out of the window.
entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was
taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Pam is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat
left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down?
I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are
also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up
the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman screamed and shouted , 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman named @Chris sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant
for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown
the wrong bitch out of the window.
This is the best I have heard for ages:
My wife and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my wife ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my wife would be out momentarily as she was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later she got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
My wife and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my wife ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my wife would be out momentarily as she was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later she got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
