• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

Squag1

Can't remember....
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This did happen.

Guy was due significant birthday and wife was trying to figure what she might get him. Anyway, she got it that he'd really like a bike, an Indian.

Th a big day came and she unveiled a big crate. Obviously excited to know what was in it, he broke it open and unwrapped a Royal Enfield, all the way from India.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
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A very accurate observation, especially in our household (y):)
Mum.jpg
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
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Joe a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story.

An idea came to Joe and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Joe came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Rusty) agreed to answer his questions.

Joe asked farmer Rusty what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Rusty replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.";

"I can't print that," said Joe the reporter, "Is there another event that made you really happy?"
Farmer Rusty thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her.

After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.";

Again Joe knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Rusty, "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?";

Farmer Rusty hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once".
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
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Stolen from elsewhere.

Heard something brilliant as I was walking down the street earlier, some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I pretended to look in my bag for my son's juice bottle so I could have a cheeky listen
Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"

"I don't have to let you in do I?"

"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"

"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."

With that, the door was closed.
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
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In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness,
it was announced today that the local climate in the
most of the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population,
it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'.

In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness,
it was announced today that the local climate in the
most of the UK should no longer be referred to as
'English Weather'.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population,
it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'.

In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.
I said this in a diversity course at work, the only person who laughed was an Asian woman.
At the end of the course the instructor (very pc minded) asked if anyone had any points they’d like to raise, I said “yes, there are three women on this course & not one of them has made a cup of tea” oddly that was the last diversity course I ever attended.
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
A bloke went into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'


So he went home to his wife and broke the news. She’s Distraught but its her bingo night so she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
Elton John or Sturgeon’s mum?
 

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