• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

Lee337

Lee337

Confused Poster
Club Sponsor
One afternoon, Dave was sitting in front of the TV watching the sport, beer in hand when his wife walked in.

Honey, I'm thinking of getting a boob job

What for?

Well, they're beginning to look a little saggy. I want them bigger, more fuller. Can I dip into the joint account?

No need for that, there's a better way but you'll need to be patient. it takes a little time.

Ok, I'll try it, what is it.

Twice a day, take a piece of toilet tissue & rub it between your breasts.

Sounds a little odd to me, does it work?

Well, it worked for your ass.

Dave's funeral is next Thursday.
 
Jaws

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
Church Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

The Minister for next week can be found hanging on the notice board outside.
 
Jaws

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
My hamster just died this morning if anyone wants him, he fell asleep at the wheel
 
Quiney

Quiney

Registered User
After the honeymoon, Brian was welding some stuff in the garage for fun.

Joan, His new wife, was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence Joan finally said: "Honey, I've just been
thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don't need to spend so much
of your time out here in your shed, and could consider selling some of your
machinery and stuff, like your gun collection, fishing gear, and lose all those
stupid model airplanes. And dump that home brewing kit."

Brian got a horrified look on his face and silently stared at her. Joan said,
"Darling, what's wrong?"

Brian replied, "Nothing, but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like
my ex-wife."

“Ex-wife?" She screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Brian replied......... "I wasn't.”
 
Squag1

Squag1

Can't remember....
Club Sponsor
It was time for Joe to go to the nursing home. His son researched carefully.

He chose one on the basis that attention was almost 1 to 1.

How was installed and was sitting in the easy chair. He began to lean to one side and immediately a carer came over and straightened him up. In a short while it happened again and later again.

A day or two after the son came to check up on him. He asked Joe how it was.

Oh it's great except for one thing.
The son was concerned.

"What's that" the son asked.

"They won't let me fart"
 
T.C

T.C

Registered User
I've just watched the Harry Potter films.
I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me..
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?..

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas
They're due back at the library next Monday.

I asked 100 women what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower?...
They all replied,
"How did you get in here?"

Me to Doctor: I’ve hurt my penis in a surfing accident!
Doctor: Did you fall off your board?
Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in.

Getting the decorations out of the loft, I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times, or as its called now, The Sex Offenders Register.
 
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