Daily Smile thread

Discussion in 'Coffee Shop' started by Jaws, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    An old man, a boy, and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding.”
    The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
    Later they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." So they decided they'd both walk.
    Soon they passed some more people who remarked, "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."
    So they both decided to ride the donkey.
    They passed some people who shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
    The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey; the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

    The moral of the story: If you attempt to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye
     
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  2. Squag1

    Squag1 Can't remember.... Club Sponsor

    Different woman - I want a pig's head.
    And give me one with eyes, it will see me through the week.

    Woman says - "and give me a few bones for the dog" 5 year old beside her says "Mammy, are we getting a dog"
     
  3. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    Same woman..Give me a pigs head

    Butcher
    Whats wrong with the one you'r using ?
     
  4. Cougar377

    Cougar377 Express elevator to hell Club Sponsor

    Trump.jpg
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  5. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    Well it's 2019, and I still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I haven’t found out who let the dogs out...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same...why eggs are packaged in a flimsy carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails.. why “abbreviated” is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... why does The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what exactly is Victoria’s secret? Can you hear me now?...and do you really think I am this witty?? ... I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother’s girlfriend’s, uncle’s cousin’s who lived next door to an old class mate’s mailman...Now it is your turn to take it from me....
    True story.
     
  6. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    Robinson Crusoe's Dream
    One day a man decided to retire...

    He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
    proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

    He soon found himself on an island with no other
    people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

    In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

    "Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

    "But, where did you get the tools?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," replied the
    woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
    unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    The guy is stunned.

    "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
    expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.

    Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

    "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

    "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

    No longer questioning anything, the man goes
    upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

    "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
    closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
    months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

    She stares into his eyes.
    He can't believe what he's hearing.

    "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
    "You've built a Motorcycle?”
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  7. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    Similar
    Man gets washed up on an island..
    A year goes by when out of the sea strides a very fit looking you lady...
    Where have you come from ?
    Oh, I swam over from that island she says, pointing

    Well is great to meet you, I have been here a year and have barely survived

    I was lucky she said, I managed to salvage all sort from the boat wreck.. Would you like a drink ?
    Reaching behind her she produces a small bottle of gin from a bag that she is wearing

    I would love a drink but cannot abide gin..
    Reaching again she brings out a little bottle of scotch

    Fantastic he cries

    And a mixer ? I have coke or soda water..

    Coke please..

    Once again reaching into the bag and brings out the cola, and some tinned meat and chocolate too !

    After he has eaten and drunk his fill, she stands up.. You know, she says, its been more than a year for me too.. a woman has needs......just like a man, so if there is ANYTHING else you need, just ask..
    As she says it she starts unzipping her wet suit

    Almost in tears he gasps... you, you haven't got a set of golf clubs in there have you !!!
     
  8. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    upload_2019-1-5_23-32-26.png
     
    • Great stuff ! Great stuff ! x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    upload_2019-1-5_23-33-51.png
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Squag1

    Squag1 Can't remember.... Club Sponsor

    20190106_131146.jpg
     
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  11. Squag1

    Squag1 Can't remember.... Club Sponsor

    I think she said "Do you want to play around" :eek:
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  12. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    Ahhh... yes thaty is a LOT better.. No wonder I did not think it very funny
     
  13. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    upload_2019-1-7_10-27-21.png
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Informative Informative x 1
  14. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    upload_2019-1-7_10-28-14.png
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  15. Cougar377

    Cougar377 Express elevator to hell Club Sponsor

  16. T.C

    T.C Been there, and had one Club Sponsor

    I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 weeks.
    I didn't want to interrupt her.

    I’m sure my best friend is having an affair with my wife.
    He seems so miserable lately.

    My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn’t stop singing I’m a believer.
    I thought she was joking.
    But then I saw her face

    My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
    My wife insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

    Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.
    Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.

    As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"
    I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

    The police just knocked at my house to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike.
    I just closed the door because my dog doesn’t even have a bike.

    My neighbour came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
    I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

    Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
    Me: "Why?"
    Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
     
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  17. Squag1

    Squag1 Can't remember.... Club Sponsor

    A ummmmm
     
  18. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    • Like Like x 2
    • Great stuff ! Great stuff ! x 2
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  19. Quiney

    Quiney Been there, and had one Club Sponsor

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

    Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
    Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

    The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.
    'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

    'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million
    savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ...takes a breath ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

    'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

    Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!'

    'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!
     
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  20. andyBeaker

    andyBeaker Moderator Staff Member Moderator Club Sponsor

    WARNING

    Picture of naked celebrity follows, do not view if you are easily offended


























































    Sooty

    IMG_1609.PNG


     
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