Punchy
Registered User
Tips for car-only drivers
Eyes
You have two of these, normally located in the front of your head. Use them. Don't just look, but see what's going on. You might spot someone else on the road other than you. I know that comes as a surprise, but there are other people entitled to share the same road space with you. Here's something else - get them tested. In the UK, a 2003 study found that 1 in 7 drivers who didn't think they needed glasses had vision so bad that their licenses could have been revoked.
Brain
You should have one of these. Most humans are issued with one as standard. It's used for a lot of things, and is certainly capable of multitasking. When you're using your eyes (see above) to look in your mirrors (see below), use your brain to interpret the information. Very handy.
Mirrors
The shiny, reflective things in your car. You have at least one, and most modern cars have three. Interestingly, they're not for putting your makeup on, or adjusting your hair. They are in fact to help you use your eyes to see what's behind you without the horrible inconvenience of actually turning your head. Look in them occasionally, you'll be surprised at what you see.
Indicators
You know those pretty little orange lights that light up the corners of your car? I hate to tell you, but they're not decorative elements put there by the designers on a whim. They actually have a purpose. For the 99.999% of us who can't read your thoughts, those are indicator lights, for you to use to indicate to us what you intend to do. They're operated by a stalk on the steering column - you should try them some time. Oh, and when you do, make sure you use them before actually turning. Like I said, most of the rest of us have trouble reading your mind.
Steering wheel
The big circular thing you hold on to when driving. Apparently, not many of you realise that if you turn this, your car will drift from lane to lane. Most often, you also haven't grasped the basic use of the indicators (see above) so the result is that you'll change lanes, probably surprising yourself, and certainly surprising everyone behind you because you didn't tell us you were going to do it. By the way, when you do this, that grating, scraping, crashing sound from the back of the car isn't "ordinary car noises" - it means you've hit someone.
Brakes
Now this is a complicated one. The middle pedal in your manual car, or the left pedal in your automatic, is there to slow you down, and even stop you. I mention this because it seems that when you've committed to a bonehead maneuver, and see the motorbike at the last minute, not many of you realise that pushing this pedal will make you stop. Often, if you stop, it will avoid the accident. You don't have to run into us you know - your car will stop if instructed to do so. I think the problem is that in order to use the brakes, you also need to engage your eyes and your brain at the same time, and for most of you, that does seem to cause some trouble.
Cellphone
Throw the fucking thing away. You can't drive on a good day. Now you're trying to drive while clamping a cellphone to your ear and holding a conversation? I know I said the brain was multitasking, but you know that you can't do all this at the same time. Just throw it away. You're not that important, really - you aren't. And believe me, your phonecall isn't so important that you have to endanger everyone else on the road to take it.
"Sorry, I didn't see you"
This is the phrase that your brain will be desperately trying to get you to say, when you realise that your eyes didn't see the motorbike you just hit because you didn't use your mirrors, brakes or indicators appropriately, and were having an unimportant, inconsequential conversation on your cellphone. You'll step out of the car and find the motorcyclist and you'll be so desperately wanting to say this phrase that you'll not be able to hold back. It's worth knowing that if you do utter these five words to an injured motorcyclist, you are likely to be punched and kicked and otherwise generally assaulted because these are not words that we like to hear. You say "sorry, I didn't see you". What we hear is "I'm a blind fucking moron and my brain doesn't work". These five words are only marginally less offensive than "Are you okay?"
Crash helmet
This is not so much of a tip as a public information service. Now that you've run the motorcyclist down, and pissed him off by telling him you didn't see him, and asking if he's okay, your next course of action will typically be to try to take his crash helmet off. No, no no no no no no no no a thousand times no. Use your brain. You just nearly killed the guy and now you want to remove the one item of protective gear that might be holding his head together after you swatted him with your 4x4 Freeloader? Are you totally deranged? No - don't answer that. If you've got this far into the accident, we all know the answer. You're blind, and stupid. We don't need to add deranged to the said list do we?
8l1nd
Eyes
You have two of these, normally located in the front of your head. Use them. Don't just look, but see what's going on. You might spot someone else on the road other than you. I know that comes as a surprise, but there are other people entitled to share the same road space with you. Here's something else - get them tested. In the UK, a 2003 study found that 1 in 7 drivers who didn't think they needed glasses had vision so bad that their licenses could have been revoked.
Brain
You should have one of these. Most humans are issued with one as standard. It's used for a lot of things, and is certainly capable of multitasking. When you're using your eyes (see above) to look in your mirrors (see below), use your brain to interpret the information. Very handy.
Mirrors
The shiny, reflective things in your car. You have at least one, and most modern cars have three. Interestingly, they're not for putting your makeup on, or adjusting your hair. They are in fact to help you use your eyes to see what's behind you without the horrible inconvenience of actually turning your head. Look in them occasionally, you'll be surprised at what you see.
Indicators
You know those pretty little orange lights that light up the corners of your car? I hate to tell you, but they're not decorative elements put there by the designers on a whim. They actually have a purpose. For the 99.999% of us who can't read your thoughts, those are indicator lights, for you to use to indicate to us what you intend to do. They're operated by a stalk on the steering column - you should try them some time. Oh, and when you do, make sure you use them before actually turning. Like I said, most of the rest of us have trouble reading your mind.
Steering wheel
The big circular thing you hold on to when driving. Apparently, not many of you realise that if you turn this, your car will drift from lane to lane. Most often, you also haven't grasped the basic use of the indicators (see above) so the result is that you'll change lanes, probably surprising yourself, and certainly surprising everyone behind you because you didn't tell us you were going to do it. By the way, when you do this, that grating, scraping, crashing sound from the back of the car isn't "ordinary car noises" - it means you've hit someone.
Brakes
Now this is a complicated one. The middle pedal in your manual car, or the left pedal in your automatic, is there to slow you down, and even stop you. I mention this because it seems that when you've committed to a bonehead maneuver, and see the motorbike at the last minute, not many of you realise that pushing this pedal will make you stop. Often, if you stop, it will avoid the accident. You don't have to run into us you know - your car will stop if instructed to do so. I think the problem is that in order to use the brakes, you also need to engage your eyes and your brain at the same time, and for most of you, that does seem to cause some trouble.
Cellphone
Throw the fucking thing away. You can't drive on a good day. Now you're trying to drive while clamping a cellphone to your ear and holding a conversation? I know I said the brain was multitasking, but you know that you can't do all this at the same time. Just throw it away. You're not that important, really - you aren't. And believe me, your phonecall isn't so important that you have to endanger everyone else on the road to take it.
"Sorry, I didn't see you"
This is the phrase that your brain will be desperately trying to get you to say, when you realise that your eyes didn't see the motorbike you just hit because you didn't use your mirrors, brakes or indicators appropriately, and were having an unimportant, inconsequential conversation on your cellphone. You'll step out of the car and find the motorcyclist and you'll be so desperately wanting to say this phrase that you'll not be able to hold back. It's worth knowing that if you do utter these five words to an injured motorcyclist, you are likely to be punched and kicked and otherwise generally assaulted because these are not words that we like to hear. You say "sorry, I didn't see you". What we hear is "I'm a blind fucking moron and my brain doesn't work". These five words are only marginally less offensive than "Are you okay?"
Crash helmet
This is not so much of a tip as a public information service. Now that you've run the motorcyclist down, and pissed him off by telling him you didn't see him, and asking if he's okay, your next course of action will typically be to try to take his crash helmet off. No, no no no no no no no no a thousand times no. Use your brain. You just nearly killed the guy and now you want to remove the one item of protective gear that might be holding his head together after you swatted him with your 4x4 Freeloader? Are you totally deranged? No - don't answer that. If you've got this far into the accident, we all know the answer. You're blind, and stupid. We don't need to add deranged to the said list do we?
8l1nd
... ...........any way..............
