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Daily Smile thread

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
A Mouse and an Elephant are walking through the jungle, the Elephant falls down a hole, the Mouse runs off & returns in his BMW, he ties a rope to it & throws the other end to the Elephant & pulls him out, they carry on walking & the Mouse falls down a hole, the Elephant shoves his dick down the hole & the Mouse climbs out.
The moral of the story, if you have a big enough dick you don’t need a BMW.
 

Malone

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
I’d like to thank Harley Davidson for keeping the fat ugly birds off the back of sportsbikes.
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...

She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...

He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort...

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife...

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel...

She said, “That was incredible!”...

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along”...

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths...

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath...

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”...

“No”, she said, “I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey”...
 

andyBeaker

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
A joke about vegetables has made it to the top of the menu as this year's funniest at the Edinburgh Fringe.


"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".

The gag won 41% of the vote.

.

On his joke claiming the top spot, Falafel said:"This is a fantastic honour but it's like I've always said, jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar... demerara."

Best of the rest
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

  • "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
  • "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
  • "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
  • "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
  • "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
  • "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
  • "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
  • "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
  • "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
 

Lee337

Confused Poster
Club Sponsor
Just caught my pecker in my zip, hurts like crazy.

That's the last pair of boots I buy with a zipper.
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Manuals. I prefer a factory manufacturer workshop book but some people still prefer the Haynes manuals.

Nothing gets this right more than this:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Ping... what the hell was that?

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to bugger it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teeny,weeny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - But don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation:RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat

Perfect translation!
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
The wife is taking the kids & leaving me cos of my obsession with horse racing, they’re at the gate, aaand they’re off.
 
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