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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
I love this
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: Why did you buy a camouflage toilet seat?
A: So my wife can’t yell at me when I miss!
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it
An amnesiac walks into a bar and goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
Patient: “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
Doctor: “That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
Patient: “Yes, we took a vote and they’re in favor of it 17 to 2.”
A woman sees her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “You know that’s not going to help, right?” she asks.
“Sure, it will,” he says. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to see the numbers.”
A: So my wife can’t yell at me when I miss!
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it
An amnesiac walks into a bar and goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
Patient: “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
Doctor: “That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
Patient: “Yes, we took a vote and they’re in favor of it 17 to 2.”
A woman sees her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “You know that’s not going to help, right?” she asks.
“Sure, it will,” he says. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to see the numbers.”
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, smell bad, and don’t work half the time.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: A new dog only takes a few months to train
Woman one: My husband’s cooking is so bad!
Woman two: How bad is it?
Woman one: Well, the kids have started praying after the meal
Woman one: I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!
Woman two: Did that work?
Woman one: Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house.
Q: Is the glass half empty or half full?
A: Who cares, either way there’s room for more wine in it
A: They’re hard to get started, smell bad, and don’t work half the time.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: A new dog only takes a few months to train
Woman one: My husband’s cooking is so bad!
Woman two: How bad is it?
Woman one: Well, the kids have started praying after the meal
Woman one: I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!
Woman two: Did that work?
Woman one: Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house.
Q: Is the glass half empty or half full?
A: Who cares, either way there’s room for more wine in it
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: Why was the leopard so bad at playing hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted
Q: What starts with E, ends with an E and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie?
A: A pie-thon
Q: What’s the most musical part of the chicken?
A: The drumstick
Q: When do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
A: When it’s full
A: Because he was always spotted
Q: What starts with E, ends with an E and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie?
A: A pie-thon
Q: What’s the most musical part of the chicken?
A: The drumstick
Q: When do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
A: When it’s full
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: What do you do if someone says an onion is the only food that can make them cry?
A: Throw a watermelon at their face.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
A: I hear invoices!
Q: A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
A: The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
Q: How do you lose $400 gambling at a $2 blackjack table?
A: Patience
A: Throw a watermelon at their face.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
A: I hear invoices!
Q: A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
A: The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
Q: How do you lose $400 gambling at a $2 blackjack table?
A: Patience
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: What did the pecan say to the walnut?
A: We’re friends because we’re both nuts
Q: What’s the difference between a friend and a best friend?
A: One will help you move and the other will help you move a body.
Q: What’s better than a good friend?
A: A good friend with chocolate
Q: How did the two oceans become friends?
A: They kept waving at each other
Q: Why should you keep your best friends forever?
A: They know too much
A: We’re friends because we’re both nuts
Q: What’s the difference between a friend and a best friend?
A: One will help you move and the other will help you move a body.
Q: What’s better than a good friend?
A: A good friend with chocolate
Q: How did the two oceans become friends?
A: They kept waving at each other
Q: Why should you keep your best friends forever?
A: They know too much
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: What do you do when you see a spaceman in the office garage?
A: Park your car, man.
Q: Why did the skeleton hit the office party solo?
A: He had no body to go with him.
Q: Why is team work important?
A: It makes it harder to know who to blame
Q: What’s the definition of multi-tasking?
A: The ability to procrastinate, waste time, and be unproductive all at the same time
Q: What is a clean desk a sign of?
A: A very full desk drawe
A: Park your car, man.
Q: Why did the skeleton hit the office party solo?
A: He had no body to go with him.
Q: Why is team work important?
A: It makes it harder to know who to blame
Q: What’s the definition of multi-tasking?
A: The ability to procrastinate, waste time, and be unproductive all at the same time
Q: What is a clean desk a sign of?
A: A very full desk drawe
