Daily Smile thread

Discussion in 'Coffee Shop' started by Jaws, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. Cougar377

    Cougar377 Express elevator to hell Club Sponsor

  2. Cougar377

    Cougar377 Express elevator to hell Club Sponsor

    T.C likes this.
  3. Cougar377

    Cougar377 Express elevator to hell Club Sponsor

    jeffa likes this.
  4. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

    This kid should be given a medal (y)

    Maths test.jpg
    jeffa, slim63, johnboy and 2 others like this.
  5. derek kelly

    derek kelly The Deli lama Club Sponsor

    I'm a bit worried about one of my testicles, it's quite a bit bigger than the other two
    wildwill, slim63, Jaws and 2 others like this.
  6. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

  7. slim63

    slim63 Never surrender Club Sponsor

    When I was young all the other kids used to cover me in cream & put a cherry on my head

    life was tough in the gateau :)
  8. andybirdless

    andybirdless Moderator Staff Member Moderator Club Sponsor

    Cougar377 likes this.
  9. Centaur

    Centaur Site Pedant Club Sponsor

  10. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member

  11. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

  12. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

    The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

    "8 or 9 at least!" I said.

    "Out of 10?" she smiled. "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

    Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!
    Quiney, slim63, wildwill and 2 others like this.
  13. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

    I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'....

    Apparently Gollum was once a normal man.

    But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life.

    Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
    slim63, jeffa and Cougar377 like this.
  14. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

    When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats.

    Apparently this is known as "Many Paws". ;):rolleyes:
    Jaws, slim63 and Centaur like this.
  15. Cougar377

    Cougar377 Express elevator to hell Club Sponsor

  16. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

    A man is lying in bed next to his new girlfriend after a great sex session, and she spends the next hour rubbing his balls because it’s something she just loves to do.

    Since he was enjoying it he asked her:

    “Why do you love doing that?

    “Because” she replied “I miss mine.”
    Quiney and wildwill like this.
  17. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

  18. T.C

    T.C Old Hand Club Sponsor

    Having a piss.jpg
    slim63 and Quiney like this.
  19. Squag1

    Squag1 Old Hand Club Sponsor

  20. Quiney

    Quiney Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
    'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
    'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
    'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
    'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
    'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
    So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
    The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
    'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ...
    Today, you voted."

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