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Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
A Royal Navy destroyer encountered a small boat with four Muslims on board entering British waters,
The Captain hails the small boat "ahoy there small boat, what are you doing?" One of the Muslims replies, "we are invading Britain" the Captain laughs & replies "what? Just the four of you?" The Muslim responded "No, we are the last four, the other six million are here already."
The Captain hails the small boat "ahoy there small boat, what are you doing?" One of the Muslims replies, "we are invading Britain" the Captain laughs & replies "what? Just the four of you?" The Muslim responded "No, we are the last four, the other six million are here already."
Police stopped a man at 2 am...
Officer: "Where are you going at this time of night?"
Man: "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse as well as smoking & staying out late."
Officer: "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Man: "That would be my wife."
Officer: "Where are you going at this time of night?"
Man: "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse as well as smoking & staying out late."
Officer: "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Man: "That would be my wife."
Great quotes on sex
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life..
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life..
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Returning home a day early from an out-of-town business trip, a man caught a taxi from the airport shortly after midnight. On the cab journey, he confided to the driver that he thought his wife was having an affair. As they pulled up outside his house, the businessman asked the driver: “Would you come inside with me and be a witness?”
The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man.
In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife’s lover. “Don’t do it,” she pleaded. “This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!”
His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabbie said: “I think I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”
The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man.
In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife’s lover. “Don’t do it,” she pleaded. “This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!”
His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: “What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabbie said: “I think I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike.
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked "Is that one word or two?"
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked "Is that one word or two?"
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi, and an Australian, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No', so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said 'No', so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked ?'
The man broke into a big smile and said 'No'.
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
Three women, an American, a Kiwi, and an Australian, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No', so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said 'No', so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked ?'
The man broke into a big smile and said 'No'.
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
The telephone rang at dawn. “Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”
“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph, that your parrot died.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”
“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”
“My God! What fire are you talking about?”
“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”
“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my $5m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph.”
“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”
“What bloody funeral?”
“Your wife’s, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike driver.”
There was a lengthy silence.
“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”
“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph, that your parrot died.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”
“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”
“My God! What fire are you talking about?”
“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”
“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my $5m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
“Yes, Señor Ralph.”
“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”
“What bloody funeral?”
“Your wife’s, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods’ Nike driver.”
There was a lengthy silence.
“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”