Daily Smile thread

Discussion in 'Coffee Shop' started by Jaws, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her!!

    Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her.

    She's a cracker.
    slim63 and andybirdless like this.
  2. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    England have just announced the new kit the will use at this years World Cup in Russia

    It is thought it might improve their performance

    New England kit.jpg
    Jaws likes this.
  3. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    I asked my boss "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"

    He said "Just pop it in the Corner".

    4 hours it took me!
  4. andybirdless

    andybirdless Moderator Staff Member Moderator Club Sponsor

  5. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    B & Q.jpg
    slim63, jeffa and Jaws like this.
  6. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    Under pressure.jpg
    Quiney and Jaws like this.
  7. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    Negotiations between union members and their bosses were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their argeement.

    A working day morning at the bargaining table, the company’s head negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

    There on the newspaper page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local bowling tournament with high score.

    A union negotiator broke the silence in the auditorium.

    “Incredible!” he said. “Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn’t sick!”
    T.C, Steve Ashby and jeffa like this.
  8. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    Norman comes home utterly drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely angry.

    “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.

    “At this unbelievable new bar,” Norman says. “The Silver Night Bar. Everything there is silver. It’s got huge silver doors, a silver floor, the works – even the urinal’s silver!”

    The wife still doesn’t believe her husband’s story, and the next day checks the internet, finding a place across town called The Silver Night Bar. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

    “Is this The Silver Night Bar?” she asks when the barman answers the phone.

    “Yes it is,” barman answers.

    “Do you have huge silver doors?”

    “Sure do.”

    “Do you have silver floors?”

    “Most certainly do.”

    “What about silver urinals?”

    There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the barman yelling, “Hey, Steve, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”
  9. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

    He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?

    The drunk said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit.”
  10. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    An Oldie but worth dragging out!!
    A bus full of Nuns crushes a cow and falls of a cliff and they all die.

    They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Agustin. He says to them “Sisters, welcome to great Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single line.” And nuns do so.

    St. Agustin turns to the first woman in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a pinis?”

    Sister Debora responds: “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta…touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”

    St. Agustin says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” And she did so.

    St. Agustin now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a pinis?”

    Barbara replies: “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”

    “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

    Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Agustin sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susanne, why you in hurry? There is no rush!”

    Sister Susanne responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Barbara sticks her ass in it!”
    T.C, Jaws and jeffa like this.
  11. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member

    My dog Minton has eaten all my shuttlecocks....

    Bad Minton
    andybirdless and dln1965 like this.
  12. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member

  13. andybirdless

    andybirdless Moderator Staff Member Moderator Club Sponsor

    I used to have a job with Dynorod. I left as I felt I was just going through the motions.
    Jaws and jeffa like this.
  14. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    Once there was a little boy Boroja who lived in the continental climate country . They had to use an outhouse, and little Boroja hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Boroja determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. In the end,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night Boroja’s father told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

    His father answered, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”

    Boroja answered yes. Then he thought a second and said, “Dad, I read in a book today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

    Boroja’s father replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t on the tree.”
    Jaws likes this.
  15. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    Calvin’s hot music teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Calvin unless she is definitely sure she will win it.

    One day in class, Calvin raises his hand and says “teacher, I’ll bet you $60 I can guess what color your panties is.”

    Teacher answers, “okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.” But before class ends, she goes to the toilet and removes her panties.

    After lesson is over and the students clear out, Calvin makes his guess.


    “Nope. İt’s wrong guess Calvin,” she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.

    “Please come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.” Hot teacher follows him out.

    When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Calvin that she wasn’t wearing panties.

    His dad exclaims: “That pimp! He bet me $120 this morning that he’d see your pussy before the end of the day!”
    Jaws likes this.
  16. derek kelly

    derek kelly The Deli lama Club Sponsor

    Guy goes into a pub & asks the barman "what's your WiFi password?"
    The barman replies "you've got to buy a drink first"
    "OK says the guy, I'll have a pint of Fosters please"
    "£3" says the barman.
    "Now, what's the password?" Asks the guy
    "You've got to buy a drink first, all lower case, no capitals" says the barman.
    Dark Angel, andybirdless and Centaur like this.
  17. Squag1

    Squag1 Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    Woman was being helped to bring shopping from Asda/Azda/Mazda....to her car by you good looking male.
    She took a fancy to him and was walking very close to him but got no reaction.
    Then she says "I have a itchy pussy "

    He replies "all these Japanese cars look the same to me "
    Jaws and andybirdless like this.
  18. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    The new economy minister’s wife had a baby. The economy minister appealed to the parliament for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The parliament agreed that it was only fair, and confirmed it.

    Nine months later the next kid arrived, the economy minister appealed again and the parliament confirmed again. Five years and five children later, the parliament was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the economy minister stood and yelled out,”Having children is an act of God!!”

    An older man in the back stood and yelled back to the minister, “Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them.”
  19. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    Lee337 and slim63 like this.
  20. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    Quiney likes this.

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