• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up.

Then I found this note under the wiper.

It said: I just reversed into your car.

Lots of people saw me do it.

They think I'm leaving my name and details Well, I'm not
 

andyBeaker

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up.

Then I found this note under the wiper.

It said: I just reversed into your car.

Lots of people saw me do it.

They think I'm leaving my name and details Well, I'm not
Bit of a humour bypass on that one for me - Been on the receiving end of that, fortunately somebody saw it happen and gave me a registration and description.

New door skin needed.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
My friend's wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping. He said, "Not bad. I've been using some of that powdered stuff"
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:

“No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”

The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”

The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?”

The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:

“What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said,

“A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said,

“Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said,

“Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel,

“Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Martin had just received his brand new driver license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Me: Say “I am a man” after everything I say.

Friend: Alright.

Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You decided to get drunk.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You went to the bar.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You found a hot chick there.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You both came into your room and had sex.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: Next morning you wake up.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: And she says…

Friend: I am a man.
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. “I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!” “Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.” “I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he? “Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.” Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen,

Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me,

April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,”

But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and

April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did

Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
The Teacher fainted.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
A man goes to a £10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for £10 -- lobster?"
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Q: How are blondes and computers similar?

A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."

Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !

What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

Why do guerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!



Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.

"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.

"How can you tell?" says the other.

"I can smell cock in the air" replies the first hooker.

"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"
 
Top