• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

T.C

Been there, and had one
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said "I would like to come back as a cow".

I said "you're obviously not listening".
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
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Paddy is passing by Mick's barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Eddie doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick,' says Paddy

'Jayzuz Paddy, ye frightened the livin' shite out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Eddie. 'Me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
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9 Things I Hate about Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boiler man and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable.

When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.

“You like this?” Satan asked.

“Yes, sir,” said the sailor, “this feels like a spring day to me.”

Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn’t even broken a sweat.

“I like this kind of weather,” he told Satan.

For the next few days, Satan turned up the heat more and more, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. By Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off and turned on the air conditioning. Icicles formed in the sailor’s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever.

Satan was exasperated! “Why are YOU so happy?” he demanded from the sailor. “It’s FREEZING in here!”

“Well, I’m from Boston,” said the sailor, “and evidently the Red Sox just won the World Series!”
 

Squag1

Can't remember....
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The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200.

They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Wisconsin.”

With all the time you seem to have for posting I reckon yours is from Wisconsin too:eek::rolleyes:
 

Squag1

Can't remember....
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Ian where are you......
Robbo come back- I was only joking :encama:
 

andyBeaker

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
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Did you hear about The Origami Bank?

It folded.


The Kamikaze Bank is in trouble as well - it's shares have dived.
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
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A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
 

andyBeaker

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
RIP Tommy!!
 

andyBeaker

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
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I went to buy a pair of those camouflage trousers today but couldn't find any.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Yesterday a cock blocked me in and now a dick just pulled out on me, didn't see it coming.

Dick 2.jpg
 

Quiney

Registered User
After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal.

The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my
thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.' "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Did you hear about the old guy who went to the retirement home?

His kids had the old man in a rest home that was the best money could buy. He even had a pair of orderlies who stood by his side 24 hours a day.

The kids came to visit him and noticed that the oldster would lean to the left and the orderly on that side would straighten him up. When he leaned to the right, that orderly straightened him up.

This went on throughout their visit.

In the course of the conversation, his son asked him how he liked the home.

'The home is fine' said Dad, 'but it is these two lummoxes that give me trouble'.

'How so?' asked the son.

'How so? Every time I lean over to fart, they won't let me!'
 
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