Daily Smile thread

[Peter Halfpenny]

Good deed done today!

This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her receipt came to £56.83 but when she counted out all of her change and she only had just under £10 I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive. She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

Costs nothing to be nice.

 

[Peter Halfpenny]

What’s this car warning light?? Looks like a bloke having a shit!

 

[T.C]

 

[Jaws]

 

[Quiney]

View attachment 42305

The lasses in Newcastle have had to breakout a cardigan.

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[andyBeaker]

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[Peter Halfpenny]

Turns out there was only an inch and half

 

[derek kelly]

Jokes about sugar are rare but jokes about brown sugar, demerara.

 

[Jaws]

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'
'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day �
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.
Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum.
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

 

[ianrobbo1]

Looks like "Cheggers" has finally gone pop!!
https://news.sky.com/story/tv-presenter-keith-chegwin-dies-aged-60-11166773

 

[andyBeaker]

Looks like "Cheggers" has finally gone pop!!
https://news.sky.com/story/tv-presenter-keith-chegwin-dies-aged-60-11166773

Daily smile thread??

 

[ianrobbo1]

Daily smile thread??

Yes, he was always a happy positive person, so what could be better!!

 

[Quiney]

The Ann Summers Fatality.

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'.

'It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

... so she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

 

[Squag1]

Hope I didn't post before...
Guy shoots deer and brings home large piece fof dinner.
As he puts the cooked cut on the table he says - this is something we haven't had before.
Can you guess what it is.
Of course they kids cannot.
I'll give you a clue, it's something mummy calls me....
Little 5 yr old pipes up..
Don't eat it its an asshole.

 

[slim63]

 

[Cougar377]

Why two Kiwis....?

 

[Centaur]

Why two Kiwis....?

They're usually pretty small. From the rugby results I think there are usually thirty of them in their team.