Discussion in 'Coffee Shop' started by Jaws, Aug 8, 2017.
Xmas lights in Wythenshaw Civic, Manchester.
What a cock up
sheer, absolute, unqualified brilliance!!
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts" or with "Balls" .
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in prognosis; both are fatal.
It was really cold this morning so I used my Supermarket discount card to scrape the windscreen. It didn't work though as I only got 10% off.
A father put his 4 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.."
The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. Buddy, my long time golf instructor, dropped dead at the country club, in the middle of my lesson."
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
I woke up to 2 feet of snow this morning
About right isn't it?
As soon as it stops I am gonna go play on the bike in it !!
Currently not worth it as there is only about 1.5" out there