• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
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Two English tourists driving in wales.

They stop for lunch in a place called Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogogoch.

One of them asks the waitress, “Could you settle an argument? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?”

The girl leans over and says

“Burrr-gurrr-king”
 
T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
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Paddy’s painting his house and his wife walks in and can’t believe Paddy’s doing so well.

But to her surprise, he’s hot and the sweat is dripping off him. She asks “Why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka?” he says “Hello, read the bloody tin. It says for best results put on two coats!”
 
T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
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An paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him whats the big brass gong hanging on the wall, Paddy says “It’s my speaking clock!”

“How does it work?” “I’ll show you!” and he hits it full pelt with a claw hammer, And a voice from next door yells”bloody hell paddy, its twenty to three in the morning!!
 
T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
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Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, “I can’t take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let’s just pick one whether it’s decorated or not!”
 
T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
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Cristiano Ronaldo had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

“Right” said the midwife “what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?”

“Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the floor” replied the baby.
 
T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, ‘you crafty bastard!’ said the fairy.
 
Quiney

Quiney

Registered User
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the piss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I confess - I’m a rabbit!"
 
Quiney

Quiney

Registered User
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was wearing a turban eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic *****."

She laughed and said, "When I cry 'Rape' and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed Camel-******."
 
Jaws

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
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funny-pictures-in-case-of-fire-riverdance.jpg
 
Squag1

Squag1

Can't remember....
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Indian brave asks his dad, why did you call my sister Rising Moon.
Because when I came out of the teepee the moon was just appearing over the forest.
And why did you call my brother Silver Owl. As I left the teepee when he was born a silver owl flew by.

There was a silence for a moment and then the father says - why do you ask all this Coyote Shitting on Log??
 
andyBeaker

andyBeaker

Moderator
Staff member
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You forgot t
Squag1 said:
Indian brave asks his dad, why did you call my sister Rising Moon.
Because when I came out of the teepee the moon was just appearing over the forest.
And why did you call my brother Silver Owl. As I left the teepee when he was born a silver owl flew by.

There was a silence for a moment and then the father says - why do you ask all this Coyote Shitting on Log??
Click to expand...
You forgot to mention his brother ......... Talking Bollox
 
Cougar377

Cougar377

Express elevator to hell
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Quiney said:
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was wearing a turban eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.

Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic *****."

She laughed and said, "When I cry 'Rape' and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed Camel-******."
Click to expand...


I laughed but I'll be the first to admit that I've never actually seen a fresh shrimp that ate turbans. :biggrin:
 
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